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PSL W LIGHTNEN (prolly renamed later)
[it had been a long time since Gon had seen Killua in person.
or, maybe not. maybe that was actually kind of relative—maybe a year wasn't a long time for a lot of people, but for Gon, every day felt like a week. Gon kept his complaints to himself about this, especially initially—it was Gon's first time really facing and accepting major consequences for his hubris, because he'd hurt Killua (among other problematic things).
at first, that was when time stretched on the longest—Gon was still unstable, finding himself thrashing in cold sweats out of terrible dreams, or buckling with a hard clench to his jaw to fail choking back frustrated tears... all with the irrational, not-distant-enough fear that he'd maybe really screwed up for good.
with time, however, and talking to Mito about things indirectly—and Ging, surprisingly, a bit more directly—Gon finally found himself getting his footing again. there was still a certain chip on his shoulder that was a mite self loathing, and it seemed like he had some trouble exercising rational caution without seeming insecure... but more and more, Gon was feeling like himself again.
though he wasn't sure about his friendship with Killua—it of course wasn't ruined; it was a bond much stronger than even the terrible things they'd endured, and Gon was confident of that. they still texted, and talked on the phone sometimes (though that took several months to warm to), but something still felt... a little stilted. Gon didn't want to inquire, even if his gut instinct screamed at him to just simply, bluntly address it—he had to be more careful than that. if Killua wanted to tell him whatever he was hiding, then... Gon would just have to wait for that, instead of disrupting the mending bridge.
shortly after returning to Whale Island, as Gon waded through the corners of his mind that he'd had no idea could be so dark and terrible, Gon had reflected on the possibility of losing Killua—which in retrospect, was sort of embarrassing. and maybe insulting. but looking back on things, before NGL, even as Gon came back into some emotional clarity, there was a particular yearning. for Killua's trust, of course, but so too his voice; his nearness; his scent.
with some mortification, Gon began to realize that he may have been somewhat infatuated with Killua. more disturbing, Gon then was uncertain if his moment of realization was anywhere near the dawn of those actual feelings—he felt like it might have been there all along, waiting to be contextualized. that was a few months ago.
it's a lot to carry around, even for a year—even as Gon busies himself happily with assisting Kite on expeditions, as he is currently, running errands. despite how much Gon misses Killua, he isn't sure if today is the day he's ready to see him—and Gon only has that thought when he catches a shock of white, distant and almost eye-level. the silhouette of two people. and for all his anxieties, he'd be crazy to not react.
so Gon grips the bag in his hands, then charges forward, stopping after a few dashed steps in hesitation. is it really—?
Gon drops the bag, shelling his hands around his mouth with excitement.]
Killua—!!! Alluka-cha—n!
[after that bellow, Gon gives a frenetic wave, for good measure, leaned up onto the balls of his feet. good thing he's now too jazzed to worry!]
or, maybe not. maybe that was actually kind of relative—maybe a year wasn't a long time for a lot of people, but for Gon, every day felt like a week. Gon kept his complaints to himself about this, especially initially—it was Gon's first time really facing and accepting major consequences for his hubris, because he'd hurt Killua (among other problematic things).
at first, that was when time stretched on the longest—Gon was still unstable, finding himself thrashing in cold sweats out of terrible dreams, or buckling with a hard clench to his jaw to fail choking back frustrated tears... all with the irrational, not-distant-enough fear that he'd maybe really screwed up for good.
with time, however, and talking to Mito about things indirectly—and Ging, surprisingly, a bit more directly—Gon finally found himself getting his footing again. there was still a certain chip on his shoulder that was a mite self loathing, and it seemed like he had some trouble exercising rational caution without seeming insecure... but more and more, Gon was feeling like himself again.
though he wasn't sure about his friendship with Killua—it of course wasn't ruined; it was a bond much stronger than even the terrible things they'd endured, and Gon was confident of that. they still texted, and talked on the phone sometimes (though that took several months to warm to), but something still felt... a little stilted. Gon didn't want to inquire, even if his gut instinct screamed at him to just simply, bluntly address it—he had to be more careful than that. if Killua wanted to tell him whatever he was hiding, then... Gon would just have to wait for that, instead of disrupting the mending bridge.
shortly after returning to Whale Island, as Gon waded through the corners of his mind that he'd had no idea could be so dark and terrible, Gon had reflected on the possibility of losing Killua—which in retrospect, was sort of embarrassing. and maybe insulting. but looking back on things, before NGL, even as Gon came back into some emotional clarity, there was a particular yearning. for Killua's trust, of course, but so too his voice; his nearness; his scent.
with some mortification, Gon began to realize that he may have been somewhat infatuated with Killua. more disturbing, Gon then was uncertain if his moment of realization was anywhere near the dawn of those actual feelings—he felt like it might have been there all along, waiting to be contextualized. that was a few months ago.
it's a lot to carry around, even for a year—even as Gon busies himself happily with assisting Kite on expeditions, as he is currently, running errands. despite how much Gon misses Killua, he isn't sure if today is the day he's ready to see him—and Gon only has that thought when he catches a shock of white, distant and almost eye-level. the silhouette of two people. and for all his anxieties, he'd be crazy to not react.
so Gon grips the bag in his hands, then charges forward, stopping after a few dashed steps in hesitation. is it really—?
Gon drops the bag, shelling his hands around his mouth with excitement.]
Killua—!!! Alluka-cha—n!
[after that bellow, Gon gives a frenetic wave, for good measure, leaned up onto the balls of his feet. good thing he's now too jazzed to worry!]
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Time should have passed a lot quicker, being on the move with Alluka. He was happy because he had a purpose and something to do, plus his sister wasn't kept locked up like some kind of prisoner. Putting on a smile was easy at first, laughing things off and just maybe, Killua could ignore the feeling of a knife lodged somewhat against his heart and pretend like some nights he didn't wake up in a cold sweat and unable to catch his breath. Everything that had happened in the NGL and the time after when he'd gone to get his sister... it still lingered on his mind and kept him awake some nights. Fingers brushing against his forehead in remembrance of the nen needle he'd ripped out.
Sometimes he even wondered if parting ways had been for the best, before Killua convinced himself that it was necessary as Gon was finally going to meet his dad. It didn't stop that uncertainty from rising up for the longest time, fleeting looks from Alluka being enough that he was able to smile again and assure her that he was fine, but he had his suspicions that not even she fully believed him. A couple months in is where something changed; that first phone call he got from Gon, to where he had nearly missed the call due to a sudden bout of irrationality but picked up.
After that time, they'd started texting and talking to each other again and somewhere along the line he realized just how much he started smiling genuinely each and every time it happened. Nothing could erase what happened between them and he still cherished Gon as one of his most important people, but it wasn't as if he could forget those harsh words spoken to him or blaming himself for not being quick enough at a certain time. He'd need time before he could lay it all out and tell his closest friend - it felt like there was more to it - the things that weighed down his mind, to where some nights this pain clutched at his chest like a vice, resulting in broken, stifled tears once Alluka was safely sleeping. She didn't need to see her big brother like that.
Even like this. Day by day... month by month... something just continued to seem like it was missing, though. Somewhere along the line, the same person who Killua thought he was hiding things from, just came out and had asked him: Big Brother, do you miss that friend of yours? You keep looking so happy when you talk to him, then you look so... sad after. It came out of nowhere and it stopped him short as he'd never stopped fully to consider that. Him and Gon might have had a rough time near the end but they also had lots of happy memories. It was enough to make him realize in full clarity that he DID miss Gon. Missed his smile. His presence. His laughter. How it felt just having him next to him and it was... almost embarrassing to think that there was possibly something more to all of this that he wasn't properly acknowledging regarding his own feelings.
Such a revelation hadn't struck until only a couple months ago and it hadn't left his mind since then.
Where it stood today was the two of them walking through this new town, his hand holding one of Alluka's as they walked, pointing something out in a shop window as her eyes went wide with awe. She stepped closer to look at it and that's when he heard it, blue eyes going wide as Killua turned to find the source and his breath caught in his throat. No, he wasn't imagining it. Gon was here?
Alluka blinked and looked over to Gon, then to Killua before giggling a little. She used one hand to wave at him before starting to head over to where Gon was, practically dragging her brother over there with her. ]
...G-Gon? I didn't know you were in the area!
[ Oh he's definitely smiling, but there was something almost shy and hesitant about it. Maybe that's why Alluka nudged him a bit, while looking to Gon herself. ]
It's been a really long time, huh?
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there was certainly an edge of anxiety, an uncertainty--but Gon blessedly had this wave of happy adrenaline to coast on, for the moment. but later, that jilted nuance in Killua's expression would probably keep him up.
Gon realized, in their time apart, he was almost scared. what if he hurt Killua again? disappointed him? what if Gon doesn't actually know how to control himself? what if his heart really is dark and ugly? what if he really didn't deserve to be Killua's friend? it was something Gon didn't want to confront, for all of his typical foolhardy courage--the fear of that maybe being true has been the seed of many sleepless nights full of throbbing heads and burning, soaking eyes. so that's the source of this little nagging unease, but Gon is sober of those bad feelings. and indeed, it's like intoxication when it begins, typically; the spiraling from trauma alters him so completely.
he's also had a fear of playing things too normal, too. it was a situation where Gon simply didn't know where to play his cards. but he wasn't going to heed his desire to snatch up this opportunity.
as he makes his way to the Zoldyck pair, Gon breathes out a little laugh. though he's got incredible endurance, Gon is almost a little winded from his glee, his cheeks flushed as he smiles, eyes wide and bright.]
Yeah, [Gon answers, almost beside himself for how amazing it is to hear Killua's voice without the tinny interferance of a facetime or speaker call.]
This is sort of an unexpected detour... Otherwise, I would have told you!
[Gon didn't have a super clear idea where Killua was, anyway; it wouldn't have occurred to him in a million years they'd meet like chance one of the few times Gon's away from Whale Island for work.]
You guys look well! It's really nice to see you! Like, actually see you, in the real way!
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His emotions were all over the place, especially when he witnessed that familiar smile brimming with sunshine and happiness. Everything comes rushing back and while there's that small ache in his chest, there's also an encompassing warmth as well. Part of him just wanted to run, screaming at him that he wasn't ready to see him again or think about that small nagging thought that told him it'd just be harder to leave him again.
It was too late to bolt away and in his heart, Killua knew no amount of godspeed or distance would change a thing when it came to how he felt right in this moment.
Somewhere along the way, he didn't realize where his smile had turned more genuine, or how when he heard Gon laugh? It'd gotten a small chuckle out of him as the other boy was out of breath, and it suddenly felt like nothing changed. Hearing Gon face to face, seeing those brown eyes did something to just completely uplift his mood, pushing away any insecurities away for just this instance. ]
Yeah? You can be a bit forgetful sometimes when it comes to things like that, buuuut i'll believe you.
[ There's so much he wanted to say but refrained, even as he grinned. It was energizing to be around Gon, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Nothing was between them. No screen. No phone. If he wanted, he could reach out and touch him.
Hug him.
Killua instead moved to fold his arms back behind his head as he looked Gon over. He definitely looked okay and that was what happened to be important. He could think about all the bad thoughts and pain that wanted to surface, bad memories something that could be ignored in lieu of this surreal high he was getting just being in his best friend's presence. ]
Thanks! It's good to see you too! Don't you agree, big brother?
[ Alluka had definitely gotten more vocal over the past year, her eyes big and happy as she looked over to Killua who's cheeks just turned a slight shade of pink as he scoffed and looked away. A habit he'd never quite gotten rid of, or maybe it was just something brought to the surface now that he was back in Gon's presence once again. ]
Yeah. You look like you've been taking good care of yourself. Busy with work today?
[ Because why would he just come out and say something sappy or straightforwards anyway? Killua really couldn't help it. He'd never been much of the 'direct compliment' type, even if this was more of an observation over anything else. ]
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but maybe also, a little less painful. more closure. less yearning. not that Gon was thinking that hard about it, right now. Gon's lip twitches a little bit, when, speaking of that, Killua calls him out on his spacy tendencies. despite his phone being his only real connection to Killua, Gon isn't exactly glued to it; he often misses details in messages, or... yeah, forgets. oops.]
Easy, [Gon jokes, and his expression immediately bounces back to brightness and grinning.
and Gon blinks, when Killua scoffs with that bratty shyness, and it makes Gon laugh as his heart swells. Killua had gotten a little better at accepting compliments since NGL, but it seems like other things still fluster him. it's endearing.
when Killua says that he looks like he's been taking care of himself... Gon's smile gains a little ripple as the back of his neck, nodding.]
Yeah, [he answers. now he was. for a few months, not so much--he was too busy with school--and once he'd caught up to a break in his studies, it had all caught up with him so aggressively that Gon... simply had not been well. he still isn't, in ways; there's a lot of shadowy, scary things inside of himself he doesn't understand. he thinks he's getting better because it isn't persisting as frequently, because Gon doesn't really get how that works.
and really, he's grateful for Killua's characteristic casual approach--better not to overblow it, because this wasn't going to be for long or anything...]
Mm, a little bit. We finished up a lot of our research early, so Spinner's having us start on the foundation of something else while we wait to hear back from the association's journal people.
[Gon hoists the bad demonstratively.]
These are supplies.
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It also entailed that whole thing where speaking his mind also meant he couldn't just let things go entirely, but for now refrained from adding something cheeky onto his earlier words. He wanted to focus on the now, and the happiness that came with just this moment between them and nothing else as it would just over complicate things more than they had to be.
He gave the other boy a quiet look for a moment after what he'd said, having his doubts that Gon had been completely fine over this past year. Though just like him keeping his own secrets on that matter, he wouldn't pry any despite a part of him is screaming at him to just do it. The honest truth is that he was still reluctant to touch on the things that had happened before they parted, afraid of what would happen to those healing emotional wounds once he opened them back up. ]
Sounds like you guys have been pretty productive. Can't say I'm really surprised. Those guys were already really efficient, and that was before you joined them.
[ Killua's gaze fell to the bag, head tilting to the side as curiosity flashed across his face. Something instinctually has him stepping closer despite that small part of his mind telling him not to, but he couldn't help it.
Falling into his old habit seemed easier right now instead of fighting it right now. He just wants to enjoy this time for as long as he had it, after all. ]
Do you know what they're all gonna be used for yet, or not?
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—Ah, that... [Gon tilts his head with a bit of a sheepish laugh.] They explained, but I didn't really get it. I just ran off with the list, deciding that I'd understand when it starts coming together...
[Gon was always about learning in hand son in practice and process, unable to really focus or process otherwise.]
Something about an enclosure to study some behaviors of this injured newt we found in the Alhmad marshes, I think? It's a pretty elusive breed, and hard to handle because its skin is coated in a deadly venom mucus secretion...
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[ Killua's grin turned a bit more cheeky now, unable to help teasing the other boy as he knew him so well. Explanations tended to mostly go over Gon's head most of the time anyway so he wasn't surprised by any of what had been said already. ]
Right. That makes sense. Gotta be careful so nobody gets hurt from that.
[ Immediately there's a part of him that wants to see if he can offer to help or something, but he knew he had to hold back as he didn't want to just drag Alluka with him just because he wanted to find an excuse to be with Gon a bit longer. Such a shame he didn't quite realize Alluka had actually scooted a little closer to him, her gaze set on the other boy almost eagerly. ]
Can we see it? I've never seen one before!
[ Killua blinked a bit in surprise and looked over to her before looking back to his friend, a quiet hopefulness in his gaze this time. Something that said if the other would let him, he'd come along as there wasn't really much holding Killua back from coming with him now. ]
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—Ah, yeah! As long as it's okay with Killua, [Gon answers her, then tilts his head in Killua's direction, his brows slanting back. he won't be so brazen so as to say that he's missed Killua when they've only been talking in person for...a couple minutes... for the first time in a whole year.
but Gon gets the impression from the nuance in Killua's gaze—his eyes seem eager and curious, even if his expression is held in a careful poise. to Gon, it's what he's learned to read as Killua's version of suppressing a positive slant of anticipation, or excitement.]
Kite's been wanting to see you, too. He asks about you, from time to time. So I'm sure it would be fine, for a little bit.
[indeed, Kite had actually grown pretty fond of Killua in their short time together...]
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In that case, sure. Why not? It isn't like me and Alluka had any other solid plans here anyway.
[ He'd said it so dismissively but honestly, Killua is more than ecstatic and Gon probably already knows that by this point. It's perhaps a bit selfish to be happy that Alluka had been the one to ask about it first, but now there was no going back.
There wasn't any harm in going, especially if Kite had wanted to see him as well. He'd heard bits and pieces of what happened regarding the situation so it wasn't like he had no idea on what went on. Sure he hadn't built AS strong a connection as Gon had, but it'd be a lie to say he didn't care at all. ]
Let's not keep them waiting any longer, then.
[ Killua shifted so he could hold out a hand to Alluka, and she took it with an excited, happy smile. This already was the happiest she'd seen her brother in quite some time, and that was what happened to be the most important here. ]
god sorry this has been a hellish day/night lol
Really? [Gon laughs, his cheeks flushing with happiness as he hoists the bag a bit higher to adjusts its load. he turns his cheeky smile to Alluka, then.]
Kite'll also love you, I know it! He can be kinda rough initially, but he's one of the kindest people I've ever met. If he says anything that upsets you, let me know, and I'll set him straight. Okay? But I promise we're gonna make sure you have a nice time, and that you'll see all kinds of stuff you've never seen before!
it's okay. I had a long, stressful day myself ;; sorry for lateness.
Nothing in the world could EVER change that.
As Gon addressed her, it didn't take long at all for Alluka's eyes to go all big and full of excitement while practically beaming. She'd slowly been seeing different parts of the world she'd never seen before, so everything was new and exciting to her now that she was with her big brother. ]
Okay!! I can't wait!
[ If Gon hadn't been carrying that bag, it was likely that she'd have taken his hand with her free one but was fully content with her brother's at this point in time. Sticking close to him as they waited for Gon to lead the way. ]
omg now /i/ must apologize... i've been exhausted for the last couple days due to above
Gon walks the pair in the direction of the train station—Gon had after all come here on an errand, and his party wasn't actually staying in this little port town. it was definitely more of a camp situation, about a 20 minute train ride away. it just added to Gon's excitement at the chance encounter—never in his recent, dizziest daydreams did he think he'd get to so soon hang out with Alluka and Killua—especially not in a way that seems so random.
of course, this all comes with bottling his nerves. it's more Killua's forte, hiding his feelings; Killua's always internalized his emotions, and Gon's always externalized his own, but fortunately or unfortunately, Gon is learning how to bite certain feelings down.]
Have you guys been in the area for a little while? Or did you just get here?