freecshow | [GAME] IC INBOX + OVERFLOW

no... it was pretty bad

idk about any weird moon things right now. but you

[ he hits send too quickly, hands shaking. It's cold outside, but that's not why.

Killua walks quickly, head down. Already, the details are slipping away, but enough of it sticks that he's sure it isn't only in his head. He just really wants to see Gon. Now. ]

you feel sad

it was a bad dream wasn't it?

[oh. right. bond stuff. as usual, Gon's been too self absorbed, too consumed by his own big feelings to even notice any creeping sadness from Killua over the Bond... just throw that on Gon's currently mile-high self-hate heap. he'll get over it (for a time), though.

Killua can feel that Gon is sad. he really doesn't have his head on straight right now, does he? shoot...

well, no sense in lying.]

Yea......

Its ok though, the feeling never stays for long. it was just a dream

[Gon says that, but he curls a bit involuntarily, ears pressed back as his chin dimples, eyes welling as he stares at his screen. just a dream, but he still feels so much pain from it—from the noose of his own making, ever saddled by his remorse.

everyone has bad dreams... so hopefully Killua will be satisfied with that and go to sleep. maybe it would have been better that Gon didn't contact Killua, but if Killua was already awake, he'd be feeling Gon's distress anyway. and Gon doesn't regret sharing his positive feelings...

but dang if Gon isn't just hiccuping and crying again, trying to wrangle his sobs in with varied success. he wishes he could get his shit together enough to ask Killua if he needs anything, but he just keeps falling apart every time he's almost back together.]

Edited 2020-11-05 05:48 (UTC)

[ Killua isn't sure what he thought. Maybe that he would just walk past Gon's house and make sure he's home? Just glance through the window -- not creepy at all -- to convince himself Gon is okay?

He never intended to go in. But his hands feel so shaky, discomfort prickling on the back of his neck, breath erratic and anxious. When he approaches Gon's window, the curtains are drawn. The door is locked. The anxiety spikes, memories of the dream and the hospital blending together. Of Gon in the forests of NGL facing off against Pitou. The look on his face when he utterly gave up. The wreck of him when he'd fallen, when Killua had finally caught up to him and it had been too late.

He feels dizzy. He can't breathe. ]

frontdoor

?

What abou

[the second text isn't sent, when the realization suddenly dawns on Gon and he gasps, shooting up in bed. WHY DIDN'T KILLUA TELL HE WAS COMING. panicking, Gon hurriedly and sloppily wipes his face over and over, first with his hands, then his blanket, then his pillow (with a frustrated whine), and he leaps messily to his feet—er, well, hooves, and slips, falling square on his face. he isn't quite majestic with his new hooved twigs just yet, and while he's normally pretty graceful these days with them, when he's all scattered and half asleep and not thinking, the...calibration is definitely off; he'd just moved expecting to have his old legs, for some reason. maybe because he never sees himself as a Faun in his dreams?

Gon manages to spring back up almost immediately, though, and he scrambles in half a crawl, then manages to get his balance.

and he answers the door, face still sort of wet in weird places from his haphazard cleanup—but his eyes are puffy and red, and his nose is running again, and his cheeks are a bit ruddy... as is the whole center of his face, from smacking it against the floor of his cabin.]

Killua, [Gon manages, trying to keep his voice strong—but it doesn't work. it wavers on the end syllable, his chest swelling as his expression bends in a frown, chin dimpling as his brows slide back, ears dropping backwards. his tail is in a sad, limp drag on the floor. he probably wouldn't have lasted either way, but seeing Killua in his own state undoes Gon pretty immediately, fresh tears welling.]

[ Killua doesn't register the tears still trailing down his cheeks until he meets Gon's watery eyes, and his heart sinks. Any remaining doubts fizzle away; he's sure Gon had seen it too. At least, that Gon had seen something.

But just at this moment, Killua can't focus on that.

He's not prepared for the crash of overwhelming, mind-numbing relief that washes over him, leaving him a little weak-kneed and wide-eyed. ]

G-Gon--

[ Without further warning, Killua steps forward, lifting a hand to reach for Gon's.

He feels stupid instantly, though, the uncertainty seizing him so quickly it's just as dizzying as the relief. His fingers brush Gon's and fall away. ]

Sorry. I just really felt like seeing you all of a sudden.

No—

[Gon's hand chases Killua's as he loses confidence, dropping away, but he receives Killua's want, closing both of his hands around Killua's. he steps back, guiding Killua forward, encouraging him inside.

Gon sniffles messily, blinking down another fat set of tears...but he's not weeping, like Killua; Killua is more actively crying... and Gon realizes he's never seen it before. not in real life.]

Don't be sorry...

[after Gon leads Killua in, he gives him a shaky smile, and his thumb brushes across Killua's knuckles with one hand, and he wipes his tears with the other.]

I wanted to ask you if you needed anything, but I was having a hard time typing. [and it wasn't like he wanted Killua to hear his voice... he probably would have been so incoherent even aside from the fact that he didn't want Killua to know he was so upset. so much for that.] If that's what you want right now, then it's good...

[still holding Killua's hand, Gon extends the hand used to wipe his own tears to brush away some of Killua's. one cheek, then the other, then closer to the bags of his eyes. there's a pause in this, before Gon speaks up again.]

Killua...

I'm frustrated...

[Gon's hand stills, sort of rested on its side against Killua's jaw, soft but present.]

I feel like I never do enough for you, especially since we got here.

Edited 2020-11-05 09:06 (UTC)

[ He doesn't realize how wet his cheeks are until Gon's fingers brush his face. Killua twitches back slightly in surprise, shocked and embarrassed at his own pathetic display, and quickly ducks his head to wipe the rest of his tears on his sleeve. With his eyes still misty, he has to blink a lot.

But he doesn't pull away from Gon's grip on his hand. If anything, Killua squeezes back, as if in silent plea for him not to let go. ]

...enough?

[ Gon's hand cupping his cheek feels strange and warm. Too close, too intimate, too different. And at the same time... wonderful. The relief of feeling his skin so warm and supple, heartbeat and hot blood beneath it, feels like too much of a relief, as if he really had half expected to find something seriously wrong with Gon. It had only been a dream.

Except that isn't true, is it? Dream or no, it had really happened. And that's the scariest part. ]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[ It's not a lie. He has no idea what enough is supposed to look like.

Killua pulls his face away after a moment, shaking his head slowly. ]

What else are you supposed to do?

I dunno...

[when Killua peels his face away at last, Gon's eyes fall where he holds their hand, and lets his thumb roll across the little hills of Killua's knuckles.]

Be better.

I'm a mess all the time.

I wanted it to be different, but it still feels unbalanced...

[Gon sniffles again, wiping his eyes again, and then leans past Killua a little bit to close the door. once he's back in his previous position, Gon finds himself less able to meet Killua's gaze—not out of his own apprehension, but he doesn't want to embarrass Killua by addressing his upset in more than one way.]

It's not as if... Killua isn't hurting too.

What, exactly, did you want to be different, Gon?

[ He doesn't mean to snap. He just doesn't know how to address what his real concerns are.

It's not like he doesn't know what Gon is like. Who Gon is, at heart. Killua had fallen in love with his strange mix of unyielding stubbornness and volatility as much as it has hurt him-- but he has no way to express that in a way that makes any sense.

It isn't Gon's fault. And... it is. But it's his fault too. And no one's.

Killua shakes his head, frustrated at his inability to understand what he wants. ]

I don't want to focus on the past.

[ Or that dream. ]

[Gon thinks of how to answer Killua, but when Killua says he doesn't want to focus on the past, Gon's eyes distractedly lift to find Killua's—almost searching, before they drop again.]

Yeah...

[Gon doesn't want to, either. but he feels like he can't shake it, either—and nor can he—or perhaps should he?—share it. not too much. the line is hard to discern...

and now he feels twice as awkward; kind of embarrassed, a little ashamed. his chin dimples briefly, but whatever that threatens through is successfully sucked back up. the further he gets from that dream, the easier it is to pull back together... even if his face is a mess from how much he'd been crying. maybe he just needed a purge.]

You're right.

[Gon doesn't know what to say either, but he manages a strained smile. he wants to insist on his apologies, but all that stuff is worthless compared to changed behavior.]

[ He doesn't feel like he's right. But that's just... a general problem.

Killua notices the way Gon stares downward, avoiding his eyes. His whole demeanor is like a wilted plant, drooping under the weight of its own leaves. It feels wrong. ]

I think... tonight, I'd like to stay here.

[ It takes a bit of effort on his part just to lift his head, but Killua tries to search out Gon's gaze this time. His fingers itch to reach out, to grab him and hold on, but Killua stops himself before the urge can break free. His fingers, instead, curl into loose fists at his sides. ]

Can I spend the night?

[Killua's cunning and shy (at the same time, somehow) gaze catches Gon's successfully, like Gon is pulled implicitly and instinctually; he doesn't notice, or think about it. he sniffles loudly, and it's probably kind of gross.]

Stay here...?

[Gon blinks, his attention diverted by the peripheral movement of Killua's hands. Gon steps forward, sounded by his hooves on wood, and Gon acts on his own instinct where Killua can't; like magnets, Gon's hands close sort of around Killua's wrists, most of his hand naturally closing around Killua's fists around their tops.]

Killua, [Gon says, blinking his irritated, watery eyes as he tilts his head, leant somewhat into Killua's space, peering in both puzzlement and some vestige of sadness.] You don't have to ask... You're always welcome to.

I'm happy you're here.

[Gon's head tilts back a little.]

Even though you caught me at an unflattering time...

[ Gon grabs his hands again. Every time Killua hesitates, unsure, Gon seems to step in, more certain of himself than he should be. Every time Killua pulls away, leaving a void of space between them, Gon's warmth fills it, almost obtrusively.

It leaves Killua feeling exposed, vulnerable, too seen when he's not used to it.

This time, he doesn't try to pull his hands away. ]

I don't care if it's unflattering...

[ He's seen worse, he almost says, but holds his tongue. No. Too real. ]

Hey. Gon.

What if we--?

[ Killua hesitates again, heart beating fast. Is he ready to ask this? Right now, he's not thinking clearly, freaked out by the dream he's sure wasn't only a dream and just desperate to keep Gon in his sight. ]

I mean... if you want to come over, it's the same. You can come over whenever.

[Gon blinks, and for some reason, his heart speeds up a little too—his mind is definitely snagged on that killed question, treated as if it's been rephrased; it's not that Gon is so perceptive (although, unfairly to Killua, he is—particularly when it comes to Killua, worse yet), but a "we" question moving into a reciprocity statement... he isn't sure.]

...Thanks, [Gon finally says, smiling in a way that's weak and tired—but palpably relieved.]

I already know that, though.

[maybe he's teasing Killua, a little. he leans forward, shamelessly leaning his forehead against Killua's shoulder, still holding Killua's hands. it's not quite a hug, but it may as well be. Gon doesn't lean all his weight against his friend, but definitely enough of it, his body sagging with his relief.]

I can't be as indulgent as I wanna be, though, or I'd never go, [Gon laughs out a little, sort of rubbing his head side to side against Killua, mindful of his horns. Gon's long lashes tickle against Killua's skin as Killua's scent fills his head, soothing him.]

Killua...

[with his mind slowing on its spiraling in despair, though Gon might seem like his guard is letting up (and it is, in many ways), Gon's now wondering what Killua might have wanted to really ask, and what made Killua think to come by in the first place. Gon's heart beats harder, his head full of a chorus of the nature of his profound fond feelings for the Witch before him.]

[ Gon is so... so close. Hot breath against his neck, lashes fluttering like kisses on his skin. Killua's heartbeat pounds in his ears, the flush heating up his face and neck like burning. He has to restrain himself, holding too-still as he fights the twin urges to push Gon away suddenly or, worse, embrace him. Hold him close. And more.

More dreams swirl in his head, from the depth of his consciousness, confusing and upsetting. Every time he's kissed Gon in his mind, every dream held close, the feeling of his skin, the imagined softness of his lips--

Slowly, Killua pulls one hand free and rests it on the back of Gon's head at his shoulder. With a gentle, timid movement as if almost sure he'll be rebuffed, Killua lets his palm stroke down along the bristles of Gon's hair down to those of his furred neck, petting him quietly to soothe them both. ]

Are you falling asleep on me?

Idiot...

No, [Gon laughs again, this time the sound of it more giggly and maybe mischievous (though still soft), his eyes still closed as he smiles a bit more strongly and a bit more widely. warmth bubbles through him, prickling his cheeks with delight as he feels Killua's hesitant answer to Gon's touch.]

But if you keep petting me, I will...

[Gon leans a little more against Killua, and tilts his head, nose facing inwards—Killua can probably feel by Gon's lashes that he's opening his eyes, sort of peering at Killua, but he's mostly just getting an eyeful of his jawline. he's momentarily distracted by how pretty Killua is, and how poreless his pale skin is, especially in the dim cast of the moonlight, but seems to get his thoughts together. one hand strays from its hold over Killua's, curling against Killua's chest.]

Hey, Killua... What made you come?

Was it a feeling? Or cuz you didn't wanna be alone, cuz you had a bad dream too...?

[ Gon's breath is so warm, tickling his skin. Killua suppresses a shiver, but his heart beats fast beneath Gon's hand now on his chest. The heat travels like sparks under his skin; his belly is doing flips, distractingly.

Killua swallows. Gon will feel it, a hesitation, concern and confusion spiking. He flusters, and his fingers press reflexively into the back of Gon's neck when he tenses. ]

...bad dream, [ he manages finally, voice barely coming out. ]

You were... hurt. In the dream. And when I woke up and got that message, and you-- the Bond felt weird. I just wanted to check in.

Make sure you were okay.

...I was hurt—?

[Gon leans back, despite how he just wants to tuck against that comfy little shell between Killua's neck and shoulder forever, and he gives Killua a wide-eyed blink. Gon pauses, his eyebrows lifted, eyes searching over Killua. Gon, too, is momentarily distracted—in looking for an answer, he notices Killua's demeanor... there's tells, from the subtle ways his body is tense, to the way he smells, to his expression... but while Gon picks up on the tells, he doesn't know what they're pointing towards.

so he lets it go.]

Was I...

[Gon feels a little hesitant, because the dream was so traumatic—and it couldn't be, right? it would be the craziest coincidence—did that even happen? to that extent?]

...Was I in the hospital?

Like...back then...

[Gon feels anxious immediately; if he's wrong, he brought up that terrible memory for no reason, and Killua was already upset enough to be in tears when he got here, when Gon had never even see him cry before. what a shitty gamble. but it feels necessary to ask...]

[ Killua can't meet his eyes.

The 'guess' is too accurate, and yet he's not... exactly surprised. He'd had a feeling, after Gon said he'd had a bad dream too. Still, it makes his shoulders tense uncomfortably, the butterflies in his stomach turning sick and twisted.

He swallows roughly, throat like sandpaper. ]

...yeah.

You saw it too, didn't you?

[Gon reels back, shocked, his stomach dropping, and there's that surge coming forward again that stings his eyes with hot heat, his lip quivering—and Gon comes forward just as abruptly, throwing his arms around Killua.]

Killua!

[he's processing the information at the same time as enacting his physical impulses, and he tucks his head back in that comforting nook, chin dimpling and lip stiff as he holds back the second wave of tears. he doesn't want to let them fall. if they can be held back past this well of emotions, they'll stay back.

he nuzzles there, letting out a shaky breath, his forehead all knotted from how his brows slant back. it could be a coincidence, right? but Killua mentioned the Bond felt strange, and maybe that had been why Gon had picked up his phone in the first place, without realizing. in his gut, he senses that they shared that dream. and everything they said... it wasn't like people were perfectly in line with their own thinking in dreams, but...]

I didn't know it was like that... that I was like that. I know I've already said it a hundred times, but...

[Gon's leaning into his hug onto Killua, his unguligrade legs extending somewhat.]

I know I've said it too many times already, but I'm sorry.

I hope you really don't think that stuff...

[Gon's memory is becoming increasingly less precise on the details of the conversation, but he definitely knows that Killua was down on his worth—hence Gon's message in the first place.]

Whoa--

[ When Gon throws his arms around him, Killua catches him in shock, bracing his weight more as Gon leans in, holding tight.

After a moment, Killua manages to lift his arms up and around him in return. It takes some courage, a little push on his part to do it, but then...

Then, he wraps his arms tight around Gon's back, squeezing hard.

It takes him a second. That stuff? He doesn't know what Gon means at first. He's still stuck on the apology, the first one that means Gon really understands (at least on the surface). Killua just wants to keep squeezing his warm, sturdy and healthy body against his chest right now. ]

I- I don't remember, Gon. I don't know. It was a dream.

I know you're sorry.

That's good, [Gon mumbles, and he means it genuinely. hopefully he'll start apologizing less, then. it doesn't even matter if it's absolved, or anything... part of accepting consequence is accepting that it might not ever be okay, Gon's realized, but as long as Killua hears and knows that he's sorry—and all the ways that it specifically applies.

he feels comforted by the closeness, though—and Killua's scent is always a balm.

as anticipated, Gon feels his wave of upset begin to subside. his posture becomes a bit less leaned so heavily into Killua, but he keeps tucked against him—and peers back up at him like before, keeping close. Gon doesn't want to let go—Killua's tight hold feels so nice.

but the truth is, Gon just wants to resume this somewhere more comfortable.]

Well... Since you're here, do you want any water or anything? Or food? Before sleep?

[at the least, after a horrible dream like that, and seeing how upset Killua was... he wants to take care of him! and surely, Killua wants the comfort, too; he had the same awful dream, and he came to Gon. he trusts it was genuinely to check on Gon, but... when a person is hurting, it's natural to want a friend or family around.]

Edited (just a little update for flavor) 2020-11-15 06:31 (UTC)

[ The consistent, steady contact helps -- not just because of the Bond, though that certainly is a factor, but also just because it feels like such a relief to have Gon here with him, alive and well. Reliving that horror, even in a dream, always leaves him shaken; this time, it felt like he was actually really there, at that time and in that place, and it's affected him accordingly worse than usual.

But Gon helps.

Since they Bonded, physical contact between them has felt easier, more natural. Not long ago, Killua wouldn't have been able to bring himself to hold Gon like this, nor for this long, but now he doesn't really have the capacity to be thinking of that. He just wants to stay here. He can't even be embarrassed.

Gon's question finally pulls Killua back somewhat. Slowly, he loosens his grip, taking a deep breath to let out in a soft exhale as he lets his arms drop away and takes a step back. ]

...sure. A glass of water sounds good.

[Gon's body misses the warm proximity of Killua's almost immediately, though they're still quite close, even when Killua steps back.]

Okay.

[and Gon trots off into his kitchen, but he touches Killua's wrist before he does, indicating he'd like for Killua to follow—and after he fills up a couple of glasses, he hands one to Killua, and somehow, the ends of his fingertips tickle the flesh of Killua's wrist again, his tail lifting for the first time since Killua had arrived. it's not abrupt, but it subtly curls somewhat upright, indicating unconsciously that Gon's maybe feeling a bit less emotionally ragged unbeknownst to him.

Gon sort of tilts his head while making eye contact with Killua, but in a way that seems to be a gesture towards his room, eyes rolled in that direction in that movement... and then they fall back on Killua again.]

Um...

[or maybe he only looked that way subconsciously, because he's still thinking.]

Do you wanna come to my bed?

[well fuck okay]

I don't mind setting up the guest mattress, but it's already late, and...

[Gon's cheeks pick up a little heat, actually feeling a little bashful (for once) in his own brazenness. but whatever, contact between them was more normal than ever! semi regular! and they were both feeling so sore, emotionally.]

...and you being close would be nice, if you're okay with it... Your scent really calms me down.

Thanks... [ Killua takes the glass, lingering a moment too long when their hands brush, and slowly sips at it to soothe the ache in his throat from all the stress and tears.

--and he nearly spits the water back out at Gon's fucking phrasing.

Killua's head snaps up, eyes widening. His cheeks light up instantly. ]

O-oh. [ His pink tongue flicks over his bottom lip for a moment, the rim of the cup still half obscuring his face. ]

I... It would be nice. If it'll help you calm down too...

[ he can't even pretend right now it's solely for Gon's sake. ]

Yeah, there's room for both of us. Why not?

[ he knows why not....... ]

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